For almost a year, I've been throwing out ideas about how my life should proceed. Where do I live? With whom do I live? What kind of work do I want to do? What kind of work should I do? Do I change everything all at once? Who do I want to be?Heavy questions but not insurmountable to answer. I made rash decisions then abandoned them. I interviewed for positions but turned them down. I sought advice from friends, family, Facebook, anyone who would sit down with me.
But I'm still in Vermont. Still in my for-sale-house. Living with he-who-shall-not-be-named. One thing I have changed is that this week is my last week as Regional Planner with a professional office job. It hasn't sunk in yet... the excitement, the joy, is still a surreal freshness. For the indefinite near future, I'll be a consultant. I have a registered business and an Employer Identification Number. I have an office (my house) and an email address. I have my first client and tonight I interview for my second. I have people who know I'm available. Whether this is a long term thing or not remains to be known.
What I do know is that I'm excited and terrified. For the first time in a really long time, I'm excited about work. I'm terrified to the core with failure: What if I charge too little for my time? What if I'm destitute? What if I'm making a major legal/ taxation failure? What if I gave up a steady job with health and vacation benefits only to find myself bankrupt and poor? What if I don't yet have the expertise?
I haven't let the potential for success win my thinking - what if I build up a business? What if I have too many clients that I can't manage the work? What if I end up finding a really great full-time job during this time? Who knows what could happen. It could be great or it could bomb. The thing is, I'm trying. I was very unhappy in my professional office job with benefits. The work was mostly great but the atmosphere was unhealthy for me. When I first started, I couldn't wait to get to work. I would get there at 8, 8:30 and didn't want to leave at the end of the day. I was excited every single day. Slowly, my excitement waned. Today, I dread going into the office. I avoid talking to most staff people if possible. When I do, I find myself unnecessarily and involuntarily angry or curt. I volunteer for meetings and committees for any excuse to be with the public. I skim the newspaper wondering what horrible thing is being said about my organization this week.
I will miss it, for sure. But when we get to the point in our work where we feel that awful about it, why drag it out? As Americans, we spend an exorbitant amount of our lives at our jobs. I know I am in a position of luxury where I can take this leap. I know others have taken greater leaps or wish they could but they can't. For me, this is the boost I needed. A boost of confidence: people want to work with me! People value the work I do! As I'm leaving LCPC, I'm starting to hear great things about myself. I hadn't been hearing that - only negative things about our organization and my work - and if the positive side was more vocal, it may have made a difference. (I've been printing out and collecting the accolades from colleagues - maybe that's narcissistic but it's building my confidence back!)
I'm still conflicted about public service. Part of me thinks I never want to do it again. As my boss told me (very negatively), I wear my heart on my sleeve. I need to learn to "hold my cards closer". I disagree that we must posture and strategize. I'm honest and sincere. If I could've changed the way my face betrays me by now, I would have, but I can't. I don't want to be a pawn in a political game. That's not fair nor is it responsible to taxpayers. I want to be efficient and accomplish results. The current "game" that LCPC is playing with some municipalities isn't benefitting anyone, neither the municipalities, LCPC, nor our constituents. I'm ashamed of the behavior that is happening.
The other part of me really values the honest people who work on the public dollar. It's not easy. The expectations are high, as they should be. We have an important responsibility to act in the best interests of the "public". That includes everyone - every taxpayer, every voter, every property owner, every renter, every worker, everyone who receives, uses, or benefits from "the Public Dollar". In short - that's all of us. I guess this is also what drives my political leanings, too. I believe that we should be looking out for every single person and that equity means we take care of one another, even if it conflicts with our personal or religious beliefs.
I digress.
So far over the past two weeks, I've worked full days from home without turning on the TV. I've done laundry, washed dishes, cleaned rooms, and completed overdue paint jobs. I've read for pleasure, I've cooked and eaten balanced meals. I've spent great time with four legged best friend and sidekick. I've kept the house warm. I've journaled, tried my hand at my poetry, and written letters. I hope to keep this up because it feels so great not to be tied to an office. And to be able to participate in the public process once again. And to not have night meeting after night meeting after night meeting. And I feel great - mentally and emotionally happy.
If I'm doing something different in a year, there is probably a really good reason for it. I don't expect this will be easy but if all we do is work ourselves to death and we don't even enjoy it, or we go home stressed, anxious, and overworked, what's the point of life?
So I've decided to take root. I still don't know if I'll be in Vermont in the future but I'm not so antsy to leave. I love northern Vermont - it's beautiful, mysterious, tough, unique, and with an incredible specialty that isn't for everyone. I'm calling my consulting business "Rooted Solutions" because the root to our problems can be found in our community consciousness, wherever we land. Let it grow and you'll discover amazing possibilities. You can find me rooted in this place, for now at least.
