If I've learned anything in the last four and a half years, it's this:
It's not my fault.
The likelihood is that:
It's not your fault, either.
When others try to blame you for their problems, remember:
It's not your fault.
It's their own shit they need to deal with. It's how they tackle adversity. How they learn to cope with emotional stress. How they learn to have a conversation with others. How they learn to say what they mean. How they handle difficult situations, whether it's family, friends, work, money. How they invite conversation. It's them. It's not you.
You're probably a really good person. You probably mean really well. They, on the other hand, are probably short with you. They probably have a quick temper. They probably blame you, blame work, blame being tired. They probably don't give you a reason, just cut you off. Put you down. Tell you it's your fault. You pushed too hard. You probed. You instigated it. You tried too much. It's your fault, your problem. You picked the wrong time to talk. You forced the tequila down their throat, forced them to drive drunk. It's not them, it's you.
Whether it's a hand, a belt, a fist, a shove, a slur, a condescending sneer, a 1 am call flush with hatred, a snarl, a venomous name calling, a mean text, the infinite blame: it's not your fault. Their alcoholism is not your fault. Their inability to hold a conversation is not your fault. Their lack of motivation, procrastination, excuses, failures, poor choices, family, upbringing are not your fault. Their inability to take responsibility for their actions, to control their spending, or to control their temper is not your fault.
Shit gets hard when you grow up. It's not always fun. Cleaning the toilet is not fun. It's not your fault he doesn't like that chore. It's not your fault he prefers just one more round over finishing the painting. It's not your fault the diaper needed changing, the dog needed walking. Not your fault the spark plug had to be changed, the plumber had to come and he had to rearrange his schedule. It's not your fault he went to a concert instead of paying the bills. It's not your fault housework isn't fun. But it's not your fault.
Sure, we all have regrets or wish we could have done x, y, or z differently. But how our significant others treat us is never our fault. We make choices about how to enact the change we want in our lives. We decide how to treat one another.
You're probably both really good people. Deep down.
But first? It's not your fault.
