I haven't figured it out. Some think it is a past trauma, our unconscious self directing our actions, or how we were raised. I am positive there are dozens of people right now who could point to articles, books, and studies about kindness to ourself. I'm not going to detail them there. They've been written about and I believe them. Whatever it is, for many of us who struggle with treating ourselves kindly, it is easier to expect the worst than it is to relish in the good, the calm, the loving, the safe, the worthy.
Too often, we can be kind, gentle, and empathetic to strangers or the most vulnerable in our population through our work, volunteerism, or faith. When we go home, like me, we set high standards for the people in our lives. After all, they are a close part of our lives. Our caring extends to them and we feel like we need to nurture everyone around us.
The problem with this is that we forgo our own souls to keep a sense of routine or peace with our family members, loved ones, and close friends. In reality, this may mean we hold back on our opinions, or we pick a fight over the mundane, or we sacrifice our dreams for the love of someone else. We put their needs above ours. Our lives take a different course for them. We allow ourselves to be used, hurt. They lie to us, twist the past so they are clean.
They sound awful, but it happens every day. They do this because they suffer. They were hurt, are hurting, and refuse to accept responsibility. It is cowardly to shirk the privilege of controlling your life, your future, your happiness, and that of the ones around you. We, I, let it happen.
I strongly believe recognizing this is the first step. By no means do I understand or practice kindness to myself yet, or even to all those around me. I allow the behavior to continue, accepting it each time, but gaining a little window of clarity that widens with each revelation. Eventually, I know the behavior, the anger, the lies, the deception, and the hurt will seem like a distant, fleeting memory. Right now, it feels like the only thing I can concentrate on is that hurt, pain, betrayal, jealousy.
There is hope and now that I'm conscious of how I've been beating myself up, how I've let myself be used, I can change. I wasn't ready then but I'm ready now and ready to talk to others about how to start being kind.
It's not easy and it takes a lot of work but we all deserve love and compassion. We need to dig deep but it's there. We are not our environments. We are not our family's history or mental health. We are not a failed relationship. We are not the fears or insecurities of others. We can be kind to ourselves. But we have to let it and we have to acknowledge it. We can have the love we deserve, but we need to allow it. To open ourselves up to it. To make inner self-care a priority.
It's a process. But I'm hopeful. I'm acknowledging it.
