It's been almost four years to the day since I've written a blog post. An email reminded me I even had a blog. So much has happened in those four years but I'm finding myself back at the place I was. In January 2011, I wrote about readjusting to life back in the U.S. after being a Peace Corps Volunteer. Those days in Fiji are a distant memory. It took many years to not think about the people, smells, sights, and day-to-day activities every single day. What I'm struggling with is how I'm now back at where I was, readjusting to a new place, only I'm in a different location and a completely different state of mind.
I currently live in Vermont, in a small, rural northern town. I own a house I'd like to sell. I moved here with someone I loved and with whom I thought I could start a life. I have a job in my field that I loved, but now struggle to focus on, finding myself needing to be an advocate rather than settling for the political compromise. I don't know what my next step is. I have the option to go anywhere, do anything. Does life always upheave all at once?
And yet, I don't have options. I'm constrained by financial reality. I'm constrained by fear. I'm terrified to be separated from the pup that is my best friend. I'm haunted by moving to this beautiful, lonely place with someone I don't recognize anymore. We live together but we're worlds apart. I don't know how or when it started to feel so distant but when I'm not feeling scared, anxious, or incredibly sad, I don't know how to feel. I don't know whether to change everything or to keep some pieces constant.
Vermont is a wonderful place. It's stunning. People are laid back and easy. Everything is hyperlocal because it HAS to be, not for any gimmick. People are hardy and tough. It isn't easy to live here. Sometimes I recall my days as a PCV. I live 20 minutes from town and the silliness of driving to town for a slice of pizza because I'm too lazy to cook gets me every time. I rely on the car, which after four years still seems unbelievable to me. We don't have the simple pleasures out here that being in a town or city offers.
My last posts were largely about environmental issues. Two summers ago, the Ex and I had a garden plot. Big dreams we weren't prepared to realize. One afternoon when we were working the land, we had two of his friends visit us. We started talking about a documentary they watched about the plastic island in the ocean. The Ex decided to tell them about me drinking out of a Styrofoam cup at an event the week before. They were incredibly offended. Without knowing anything about me or my experiences, they proceeded to ridicule me for this action.
What they didn't know, or understand, or care to hear, is that the event I attended was a summit with others from our area to talk about the future of the "Northeast Kingdom", the three northeastern counties in Vermont which are the most rural, dispersed, and financially challenged. Yes, I drank coffee out of a Styrofoam cup. Did I buy the cups? No. But one of the things you learn as a Peace Corps Volunteer is how to integrate. To refuse to drink a cup of coffee among the diverse attendees of this summit would have been elitist of me because I was better than Styrofoam. I never want myself to be perceived as "better than" someone else. Could it have been a teachable moment? Of course.
Rereading that post about having to think about every single piece of refuse in Fiji reminded me of that exchange. I was made to feel like an awful person when in reality, this couple had absolutely no idea what I had been through or how I live my life today. My house is heated primarily with wood, a renewable energy source. I despair when I have to drive for things or needlessly drive around. My trash is minimal and I recycle everything as much as possible. I always carry my reusable bags and I refuse receipts when possible. I don't buy things like paper napkins or paper towels or plastic bags. I compost. I'm an incessant re-user and primarily buy things secondhand. I buy organic, from co-ops, direct from farmers, and from local businesses as much as possible. I try so hard to minimize my footprint.
Why does this story matter? In the scheme of life, it doesn't. But reading that post from 2011 reminds me that I am on path. I don't need the judgement of others to justify my actions. Not being born in the Northeast Kingdom means I need to integrate if I am ever to be respected or heard. In the scheme of life, me drinking out of a Styrofoam cup led to an awareness about the type of people I want to be surrounded by. Being thrown under the bus by my Ex was something I didn't expect but showed me his true colors. (Since then, he's thrown my entire personality under the bus, even specifically mentioning that couple.) In the long run, it was one of those things that had to happen.
As we work to untangle our lives, I've been thinking more and more about my time in Fiji. That post in 2011 made me think I was on track to do something really profound and to achieve the plans I had in my life. The separation from my Ex was a serious detour. I will not have a family by age 30. I will not be in a career that will last the rest of my life. I'm not yet the person I wanted to be - or want to be -, but I'm getting there. I'm re-learning who I am.
My life has taken a very unexpected course. It sucks and it's not easy. Every day is a challenge. I teeter between tears and sadness, anger and betrayal, jealousy and heartache. I'm not yet independent and strong but I'm on the road to recovery. Breakups aren't easy, especially when you've invested so much of your life in someone else.
I was so much wiser four years ago. People change. We're not static beings. I realized that then. I'm again in a weird grey area - do I stay here or do I go? Vermont has grown on me. I love it here, simply put. But I miss my family, my friends, my social support in the Midwest. I miss the conveniences of being in a city. I miss the ability to realize minimizing my impact on the environment. I mean, really, urban areas have a lower carbon footprint than rural areas! (We tend to just ignore that fact here in Vermont because we're surrounded by trees.)
This post is rather pointless, but it has made me think about using this as an outlet to sort through the tough questions and issues in life, and to document the readjustment of this phase of my life. My life is very surreal right now and rather absurd. Maybe one day I can write about it more. I wish I had an instruction guide for how to go through a separation where you still live with the person and he's moved on very quickly. Especially as an introvert... living in an extroverted place full of adventurous people during tumultuous change can be overwhelming for quiet, shy, homebodies like me. Our tendency is to pull in even more.
I need to repeat what I wrote four, almost five, years ago, because really, we repeat ourselves in life, and I'm back to where I was four years ago:
Am I readjusting? Slowly. Slowly. I’m moving forward, and that’s a good sign
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