This blog might be all over the place, so I apologize in advance. I have a lot of time to think here in Fiji and the thoughts that run through my head, man they're all over.

It's so bizarre that we who choose to do this whole Peace Corps thing just stop these lives we have in the US, most of us with really privileged lives. And for two years we're living in another country. I'm totally helpless most days, depending on the kind of kindness of strangers that I didn't even know still existed outside of movies and novels. But it does! And here we are, learning and re-learning all these things, all these cultural and emotional and built up characteristics of life. I don't know why turning 25 seems really old, really different. My friends are growing up- are already grown up. They're married and have houses and really really serious relationships and are getting laid off. I'm running around Fiji living in a bamboo house and swimming in the ocean. I have absolutely no clue what I want to do when I get back to the US. I used to know, but now I have no clue. I think I was just biding time. I hope in the next year something will change, will happen that will be the lightbulb, the finger snap that will set the rest of my life on some kind of course. Maybe it's just that our lives are so broadcast over the computer now it seems like we have so many possibilities, so many opportunities to question our lives and re-examine everything and everyone. This again leads me to believe I need to detach myself from Facebook.

I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance right now and maybe I'm just thinking about the whole issue of technology. Something like Facebook is in a whole new technological dimension separate even from computers. Oh man though the computers are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo slow here in Fiji. It drives me absolutely nuts. Nuts!

I was in Suva a couple weeks ago for a workshop. Man I hate being in Suva. There's something about being in a city here that I don't like, but I do miss city life in the US. But does Madison really count for a city?? It does. The really nice thing for me was to see all the other Volunteers that I haven't seen for so long. I realized that I miss them and I need them. I need that touch with, for me, reality outside the village. It felt good to be so unrestrained and honest and to relate to other PCVs. I tend to stay in my village a lot. I have this fear about leaving it!

That said, let me talk about dancing. Fijian dancing is very different than American dancing, or at least Midwestern dancing. There's no Alicia head shaking, no booty shaking. There is the traditional "meke" dance but then there is the "waltz" or the "jive." That's what dancing is called- the waltz. It involves a lot of thumbs up, finger pointing, shoulder rolling, and leg twisting. And it's also very 1 on 1; group dancing doesn't really fly here. It's a very orderly dancing.

I made my way up the coast a bit for the first time on Sunday, to go to an Assemblies of God service. Wow. It was great! There's a church I could get into, except that they don't drink grog or alcohol and have all these other taboos. I'm not down with churches telling people how to live. That said, this was an inspirational service in this small church, very haphazardly built but with two guitarists who belted out English language hymns beautifully and we danced and clapped. Very energetic, and very interactive. However, I discovered the resort that is being built along the coast. It depressed me and made me cry. I know I'm just being selfish in that I don't want Fiji to lose the character and innocence it has. I feel like the land is really just being pillaged by greedy businessmen and their skinny fad dieting pale snotty wives. Okay, maybe I'm a little harsh. But you have to look at the kind of person who razes a forest and mangrove swamp and builds these godawful ugly massive "villas."

That's all my ranting for now. Other than that things are going well in the village.

I think I'm just scared ev erything will be so different in the US when I go back.

r.e. packages

Hi all-

Just an FYI: if you're going to send me any packages, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tape them up really really super duper well!!! the last two packages I've received have been opened during transit and I've lost stuff from them!!!! So, please make sure they're sealed up really well if you're going to send anything! I know it's expensive and I don't want you to be wasting your money into a black hole of Fiji post.

Not too much is new since I was last on here but I had a good week in terms of getting work done. We finally- FINALLY!!- got the Health Inspector out to our area to survey for septic tanks. I have two big projects going on in my village and another village in my tikina to put in septic tanks for all the houses in each village. I've been trying since early March to get the Health Inspector out here and each time he was supposed to come there was a problem. But we got a lot done Friday and now we just need to figure out measurements and quotations and complete the proposal, which is due the end of June so I like the timeline. It seems, from my experience, that a lot of the government jobs only have one person who can do the job. For example, the Health Inspector. He's the only one that could do what we needed to get done. There is only one guy who does prawn farming up here. He's also been busy for two months now so of course that means there is no one else to help us (seriously, I've tried/ been trying). There is only one person who does beekeeping. He was also out of the office the day I was in Labasa (I had to go to Labasa to see him!) so that meant no one could help me. And now the government has decided to force retirement on civil service positions at age 55. I'd like to think there are a lot of other things I could be doing without relying on any sort of government assistance, but that's not what the village wants and we need to be setting a good, legal example of following the rules.

Popcorn- it's my addiction here. You can buy seeds pretty commonly and inexpensively. Just a few make a lot of popcorn. I cook it on my gas stove in the frying pan with a little oil. It took me a few tries to get the heating right but when I get a good batch, it's good! Last night I tried it for the first time over the fire. Last week I discovered my cylinder was empty so I've been either eating out of my house or cooking with the fire, which I enjoy. I was doing really well starting my fires at first, and then the flood happened and I lost momentum. After that, it took me a really long time to get my fire going. But now I think I have it again and I don't use kerosene! That, for me, is the best part. So I made the popcorn and basically it tasted like it was barbecued. It was fine but I think the smoke added a taste that didn't quite go. Needless to say, popcorn has been a great discovery for me! I miss those salty snacky foods!

Sunday I spent the morning making samosas- over the fire!

There is one thing I absolutely hate here, more than I've ever hated anything: mongooses. There is one particular mongoose (perhaps it's more) that is always eating my food! The thing about the mongoose that I hate worse than the rats is that mongooses aren't scared of anything. They come during the day, during the night. They can open containers, chew through packaging. No shame! And they eat birds; they've helped kill off native birds.

I've been facing some difficulties with my village. Nothing major, and most of our projects are still underway. But for me, I've been looking at my role here as a “job.” Of course I know that being a PCV is a job, but the distinction between being a villager and this being my work has been easily blurred. Thus far I've demurred my opinions on village topics and decisions but lately I find myself having a hard time doing that. I've been speaking up when I notice a problem. For instance, two cows were grazing inside the village limits over the lovo- where food is cooked during gatherings- next to the river. It was gross and is against the laws of the village to have animals inside the village. So I spoke up about it drinking grog that night. At the last village meeting, I gave a little talk on the dangers of burning plastic. The secondary school is a disaster; this is something I've been hearing for a few months now but it wasn't until Friday when I actually saw just how bad the facilities are. And it's bad. The thing is, the fees are really high and I don't see where the money goes. So I've been speaking up. I don't feel bad about not selling cigarettes to kids anymore at the store, either. It says on the package that it is unlawful to sell tobacco to anyone under 18. Cigarettes are bad. I'm sure it sounds like I'm being really negative but the thing is, the village wanted me to come here for a reason. I can't go along with things if I notice something is wrong just because I don't want to challenge the status quo; we as PCVs are about changing the status quo. I finally feel like I'm at a place in the village where I can speak up and be honest and start telling it like it is (so to say). I've wrestled with how much I should say and when and to whom, but the thing is people don't question much here. It is how it is, and if the elders don't have a problem with it, no one says differently. The hierarchies are very difficult to navigate here. People are very afraid to challenge or ask questions if the decision comes down from above. And while I respect that and need to work within that, I'm also given more leeway to do things like ask why or what the alternatives could be or to say that I see a problem if I see one. I guess for me, I'm looking at it that I only have so much time here and if I don't say something, no one will and then nothing will change.

Part of my frustrations also lie in the definition of “development.” I hear a lot of key words thrown around here: “development,” “food security,” or “education” to name a few. It sounds good- “Hey, let's do this because it's development and development is good!” But not all development has positive effects. Is education at a school that's falling apart really development, especially if kids aren't encouraged to go to school on a daily basis or study in the evenings? Like a lot of decision making, here the price that's paid for development comes at the expense of short term gains rather than thinking long term. Log the forests now for fast cash (and a lot of it) because there are a lot of trees. I mean, just look around you and all you see is forest. And then, plant mahogany and pine (non-native species) because reforesting is good (another buzz word) and look, in ten, twenty, thirty years they can log again and our grandkids' kids can get a good education! That's the mindset. But the problem is, in ten or thirty years, the village probably won't be here if things stay as they are. I got so mad at our last village meeting when they were talking about planting these trees because what's the point of doing any “development” projects in the village if the village won't be here? And it won't be if they continue to log and degrade the land the way they have been. I've been trying to think of ways to talk about this issue of development and to give examples. I guess what I keep thinking of is Wisconsin. (I know there are millions of examples of adverse effects of development, especially big picture ideas like sprawl and air pollution from factories but that doesn't really resonate if it's not specific.) I think I'm going to talk about the transition from timber as our main industry to family farming to now tourism and service industries. Gone are so many of the small farms that used to dot our beautiful Wisconsin landscape. The fact that so few crops dominate the farming industry, too, is another issue. The recommendation to only eat so little fish from the rivers and lakes is something very relative here. The increased bad air days in Madison. Being a car dependent society is another. Low paying service jobs in a tourism dominated industry will also resonate, I think. Maybe. Maybe not. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Saturday night I asked a question of a bunch of the men: “Would you be willing to use eco-tourism as a way to bring money to the village if it means you couldn't ever log the forest again?” This started a discussion and I think the conclusion we came to is, No. I talked about the two best assets of the village, the ocean and the forest, and some of the activities that could be done. But in a roundabout way we got back to that, and this I said, the village is destroying these two beautiful things and no one will want to come hike through a logged forest or go snorkeling when all the coral is dead. The idea came up for visitors to see a meke (song and dance), eat, watch the women weave, visit a cave that's up the river in the forest. But is that enough of a draw to bring tourists all the way out here? It's a long and bumpy ride to watch some women who may or may not be weaving a mat. The hike to the cave? Through the clear-cut forest. So I guess we'll see.

This week I'm in Suva for a workshop and then headed to Taveuni to visit a hydropower project. Should be exciting!